The Best of Intentions

Over the years I have wanted this Blog to be certain things. All of which lead to encouragement to others. However I find myself thinking and not writing. I have felt as if I had to sit down and write about something specific and didn't have time, energy or words. I had the best of intentions.... But that's changed now. I still want to encourage people with my posts but not with specific subjects anymore. I'm going to write just to write. Which I love to do. I journal, I have ALL my life, so that's what this is now. Just my wide open, public life journal. (bad grammar and all) If you get something inspiring out of it great! If not then maybe you'll get a laugh or a sigh ; ) Maybe even shake your head at the way my brain works, I know I do most of the time! Hehe! At the very least you'll get to know me a little better. 

Mom(s)

As we approach Mother's Day, I can't help but think of all the Moms who have helped shape my life. I have been blessed to have an abundance of women in my life that have taught me so much. Two most important are the ones I call Mom. God showed favor on me and not only gave me a biological mother but also an "adopted" one. Two women I could never replace and could not imagine life without. 

My Mom Amber gave me the greatest gift of all outside of life itself. She taught me about God. She not only told me about faith but she showed me how to live by faith. She shared with me at a young age who The Lord was and how his love would transform my life. No matter what happened in our family or the trials she faced as a young wife and mother she never doubted Gods love. She made sure we knew of him and his commitment to us. She taught me forgiveness like God forgives. She showed me love like Jesus loves. This is the ultimate gift! Like most Moms mine made her mistakes but the one thing she never wavered on was her faith. Thank you Mom!

My second "adopted" Mom, Kim, was a gift from God! She stepped into my life when I needed her the most. She loved me from day one and has never stopped, no matter the worry and heartache I caused her. She has guided me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. She's been tough when I needed it but didn't want it. She has always know when I needed that extra bit of love and attention, even when I didn't. I thank God everyday that he picked Kim for me! I love you Mom!!

There have been several other women who have helped me grow and learn. Connie took me into her home when I couldn't stay with my parents any longer. She had a house full already, 5 other kids ranging from 17-8. But without a second though she took me in and took care of me as her own, with zero compensation. She knew I was in need and nurtured me at a very viral time in my life (age 15). 

As I got older and "knew it all" I moved from Connie's in with a friend. When that didn't workout another amazing woman stepped in, Marci. I was friends with her daughter and started staying over a lot. Next thing I knew I was living with them. Marci was welcoming and loving. She listened and gave me advice that to a 17yr old actually made sense. One Christmas Marci made sure I felt like a part of the family by not only letting me spend the holiday with them but by getting me a stocking and lots of gifts. 

Since I've been on my own I've witnessed many woman closer to my age be Moms. Although they weren't motherly to me I've learned from them. I've seen what it looks like to be a Mom through their behaviors. 

My best friend April for one. She started early and has had many struggles being a single Mom for a large part of her parenting life. No matter what she has had unconditional love for her kids. She made many sacrifices so they could have a better life. Another great example is my friend Pricilla. She has been so inspiring to me over the years and four kids later. Her patients, understanding and overall calmness has shown me what to work towards. The thing is with Pricilla is her love and faith in Christ. She trusts The Lord with her family and knows he will provide. She doesn't have to tell you this you can just see it in her. 

And most recently my friend Heather has shown me what it looks like to be a new Mom. The level of commitment it takes to raise a child and continue to grow a marriage. She makes being awife and   mother look easy, although I know it is not. 

I want to thank all the Moms in my life, the ones mentioned here and the others I did not, I hold them all very dear to heart.

As I venture into this new stage in my life of Motherhood, I pray that God will help me be half the Mom these women have been. I will take from each one of them something special and in my own way apply it to being the best Mom I can be!

Trouble and Heartache

In this life we have bad days and hard times.

Sometimes, life can get to a point you just don't know how you're going to make it. This world can bring you to your knees, break you. These difficult times can seem never ending and we wonder why we are getting slammed over and over from every direction. Our heart gets broken and usually, it's when we have the best intentions for the people/person who breaks it.

If this is you, or if you are still holding on to a situation or time when you felt this way; know that you are not alone. You are not alone in the sense that millions of people have similar struggles as you. More importantly you are not alone because you have your Father. Not your earthly Father, I can't speak for Him. You have your heavenly Father. He is always there. Although, He will allow these hard times to come and sometime linger, He is there. He is waiting for you to turn to him during these times. He wants to hear your heartaches and troubles. He desires to comfort you and fill your heart with joy in the midst of the pain.

I know just as well as anyone that during these times it's hard to turn to God. He is not here, physically, standing beside you. You can't hug him or lay in his arms. He can however, hold your heart like no other person on this earth can do. God is the creator of your heart and soul; He knows what is best for you in every situation. Turn to him, pray, pour your heart out; He wants to hear it! If this is new to you just give it a try, yes it may feel strange but what can it hurt? How well are you doing on your own? For me, during these times I take a hot shower. I sit in the tub and let the warm water run over me. Sometimes I close my eyes and bow my head; sometimes I just look straight ahead, watching the water. I usually cry; and it helps. I let the water wash the tears away and I pour my heart out. When I get out of the shower, sometimes, I feel instantly better, other times I even feel worse. But always, after a period, I feel better. I have allowed God to enter my heart.
God already knows your troubles and pain. No, you don't need to tell it all to Him. But He wants you to. It does help to talk to Him about it!

A verse of scripture that helps me through these times is Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."

We may never know why we go through the things we do. But God does. So let him comfort you and try not to understand everything.

Stubborn and Hard-headed Women

I’m one of those women; independent, strong-willed and stubborn. I’ve had to be to get where I am today. I’ve been controlling and alpha type personality in most my relationships; with men as well as my girlfriends. While dating a guy (a couple months ago) who had a hard time handling this part of my personality; I thought, “I don’t need or want to be this way anymore”. He made a comment, “It’s who you are, and who you will always be.” In my stubbornness I tried to argue, “No it’s not. If I don’t want to be that way then I’ll change it.” The problem is I want to change for the wrong reasons, him. Not that part of the change wouldn’t be for me, it was, but most of it was for him.

So, I started, I let go a little more and I bit my tongue more often (most of the time actually). I also gave in to behaviors of his and others I shouldn’t have. I stopped speaking up and took the hurt in. All I had worked so hard to be was slowly going away. I woke up one day and didn’t feel myself anymore. I had to step back and evaluate.

I realized is, I didn’t have to be so forceful or controlling, but I was created a stubborn, strong-willed women, so I can’t hide or change that. When the right man comes into my life he will be able to accept and appreciate these characteristics. Either that or all those behaviors will dissipate without any thought or effort.

I have had to be this way to survive and take care of myself. When the right man comes along who I fully trust and know is going to take care of me I won’t need to be in control anymore. My strong will can then be used in other areas of my life, not in my relationships.

My lesson was: Don’t change who you are for anyone on this earth. There is someone out there who will love you for all those things others may see as faults.

Trust in God

We have become so use to the feelings of anxiety, worry, stress, sadness, and anger we have such a difficult time giving it all to God. We unknowingly fear what we would be like, how we would function without these negative emotions. We don’t know God’s peace as normal. This is a shame. We don’t know the happiness, joy, and calmness God can provide by taking away these feelings we have become accustom to. We may give God these feelings from time to time but we soon take them back because her begin to feel like something is wrong. Shouldn’t we feel sad? Why aren’t we worrying? Isn’t stress normal? We go back to what we have always known. We soon forget how wonderful the peace God is. How amazing we feel when we give our problems to Him.

“I leave you peace, my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

What we need to understand is just because God gives us peace doesn’t mean the troubles we are going through will go away. Giving our anxiety and worry to God doesn’t mean our life will be perfect. We will have trials and trouble, we will struggle in this life, this is a fact. However, we can go through these difficult times with a peace that carries us through without the worry and stress of each situation. We can walk through the troubles knowing God is with us and protecting us. Knowing we are not alone.

“I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world.” John 16:33

God desires to take our negative feelings away. God urns to give us his unrelenting peace!

Talk to him, tell him what you are feeling then ask him to take the anxiety, anger, sadness, worry, stress, and fear away. That is what he wants, he will take it! Give it to him and when you feel yourself taking it back (and you will) stop, refocus and give it to him again. You deserve God’s peace. Jesus died so we could have this peace and God gives it freely to those who ask.

“Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you” 1 Peter 5:7

Being in Love

Well my daily writing has not been all I wanted it to be. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and didn’t take much time away from him to write. Something I really need to do! I guess that’s part of being in love.

I was thinking about love today. I have several friends who are married, a few divorced and others just dating. Each of us is or has been in love. Myself I’m in the beginning stages of love. When I think about it, it seems so scary. When I just let things be, I couldn’t be happier. I wonder how many people understand this. Do others get scared of being in love? My heart wants to jump out of my chest when I think of my boyfriend. I get butterflies and am so giddy. I smile all the time and it’s hard to have a bad day when I think about him. Unless I'm thinking about how much I actually love him. I hold back at times because I'm afraid of falling to hard. I guess that is ultimately because I’m afraid of getting my heart broke. I can’t read his mind and don’t know if he loves me the same. I don’t know that he won’t walk away and stop loving me. I caught myself thinking today that I didn’t want to be in love. I was so scared of getting hurt, a broken heart, that I didn’t want the good stuff.

I thought, “Brandie, you’re an idiot!” What, I don’t want to be in love? That is what we wait our lives for. All girls want the butterflies, the constant smile on our face. We all want that person that warms out heart and clouds our mind. I have that and now I don’t want it because one day it may go away. Ha, no away! I decided in that moment, No way! I’m not going to let my fear (false evidence appearing real) stop me from all I have dreamed of. I concluded that no matter what happens in the future, of which I cannot predict, I will love. I will give all my heart and love! A thousand broken hearts are worth how I feel today. I can’t let my fear hold me back. I love him, that simple!

Day two of writing… I almost forgot about my commitment to write. I was hanging out with my friend Stephanie and was going to watch some TV until I remember I need to write. So here I am.

I made some decisions about school today. I decided, all on my own, to take Western Civ, Interpersonal Communications and Intro to Computers(online). Normally I would ask advice from all my friends and family. Make sure I was making the right decision. Today I went with my gut and registered. Now I just have to commit. Make it happen. I want an A in each class. It’s going to take a lot to get that. I have to work hard.

But working hard it nothing new to me. I can be lazy so I keep busy. I have always done what needed to get done! I understand the importance of hard work. Not that I was raised to know this. I guess I learned from example. Or should I say lack of example. My parents didn’t work much. I grew up on welfare, neither parent carried a real “legal” job for more then a few months. I didn’t want to be like them so I work hard. Sometimes to hard. But I know I’ll be able to reach my goals and accomplish my dreams. That is what matters to me. To have dreams and be able to achieve them!